Happiness is so fleeting...

Happiness is so fleeting... 12-09-06

I woke up having one of the worst panic attacks I've had in two years and ended up calling off. Should have expected it yesterday when I went home from work on the verge of crying. I refused to let myself give into the urge and just basically today I spent an hour just getting up. It took me 20 minutes to get dressed. (This is a lot of time for me. It's usually 5 minutes and I'm done because I lay my clothes out the day before, and usually shower the night before thanks to this schedule). I even got as far as warming up the car and I just couldn't do it. Was practically crying and shaking by the time I decided to go out and turn the car off and stay home - no matter on the points.

So, I sat up and got myself calmed down enough to go out and pay my ticket and then hurry home. Couple hours later I was calm enough to go out and pay a few bills and get a portable DVD player (for 89.95) at Macy's. After that it was like every last bit of strength and sanity I had retrieved in the those couple of hours went out the window and I had to force myself not to run out of the building. It didn't help that I have a knack for getting lost in any Macy's store that exists. Therefore, the panic attack decided to come back almost completely.

Basically, came home and the parents informed that I look terrible. No kidding. I was feeling sick by the time I got home, and still do. So, that is me today. Also found out that a contest I had entered one of my stories to didn't even give it a second thought. That tacked a nice blow to my pride and set depression in motion.

I know I take my writing far more seriously than I should. But I it's not really because I want to be some famous author that you get autographs from. I have a probably... unearthly and unreachable goal that is waaaaaaay in the future. However, unless you're a JW I doubt explaning it will be a good idea. But don't get me wrong... I want to also make money on my writing. Even if it's $80 a month. Plus I like to share what I write with people... hence the step is becoming published. Why haven't I done it? I'm still writing the story I want to publish. No one can see it until I'm done. Self publishing isn't a good option for me unless I charged people for looking at my stories on my websites and restricted access. I don't have a random $600 to put forth into something like this. So, that means being published under a label. It doesn't have to be a big label. Just one that can get a paperback in stores. And why am I jabbering about this here?

But on a happier note, I did manage to make it to the book store just before I went bananas and found a new Young Adult book that is a romance between a vampire and a human... so, gonna try and get it read soon. Also, found a recipe book on different coffee mixes. It also has some interesting coffee lore in it. Added bonus. BTW, black coffee drinkers... if you order "black coffee" in Japan you're gonna get coffee with sugar but no creme. :P

I also tried out my new DVD player. It works... Tingly. Then I got curious and put in a VCD I have of the Hana Yori Dango drama and found out that it plays them. *.* ::butt wiggle:: So, this means no more having to put things on VHS that are on VCD on the DVD player upstairs. I can watch it all downstairs where I can keep it nice and warm and filled with soft, fluffy things.

Anyway, I decided to link up this blogger on MySpace as an alternate journal. I didn't feel like posting this entry by itself on my LJ because it's just... too well known and I'm just feeling very enclosive into myself. I'm going to repost this on blurty when I finish the practice I have started that I figure is going to become a habit. Namely, keeping a journal for a few days then posting it when I feel somewhat, better about being public with myself.

Yeah, I'm still hung up on my... thing. It's extended unto commenting now. Basically, based on something that the person who kind of took this all to a final straw, I feel nervous about commenting on people's journals now as well. So, there's now times when I want to comment but don't. Even I can't pinpoint it, but it's mostly like a precaution thing. If I stay silent, I can offend no one, say something that is incorrect, or otherwise cause any amount of distress or stress on anyone.

Here I sit...

Since when do I have to do subject lines on this blog? How annoying.

I've been sick lately. Well, kind of. Been having some problems for a couple weeks now with back pain. Mom is convinced I should go to the doctor to start getting it documented for disablity purposes in a few years time. Um, no. I sit all day. I have no excuse not to work except for panic attacks and a mental thing with leaving the house.

Recently, I had a problem with a person that made me very... weird about posting on online journals. I should get back in the habit though considering things. I figured I'd post here today since it's been neglected for months on end.

Nothing really to talk about though. Christmas season is upon us. I do wish people would stop thinking in the lines of material stuff. Though I don't celebrate Christmas I can't help but be somewhat annoyed by everyone's attitude about it anymore. But not my problem. I don't celebrate it, so it just gives me a paycheck to pay bills and save up for cons and possible trips to Boston. :p

I should designate this blog for something. But I haven't decided yet what that should be. I don't know how often people come across this to read it. Let alone who. But oh well. And I have nothing really to talk about on here, because the whole online journal thing is not working for my mental state of late.