It comes slowly

There's I think, periods in everyone's life where it just feels empty. No particular reason. You just feel that way. There aren't any things that can make you not feel that way, because it's not a lack of interest in the things you do, the people you care about or see... or anything about that. It's just like... a void.

Time for a break?

I think so.

Was in the shower today thinking. For some reason that is where most of my thinking about really anything that needs a lot of concentration occurs. I realized I'm rather fed up with the online scene. I want to continue updating my blogs/journals, but not with the penalty almost of caring what I say.

The classic: "It's your journal! Do what you want with it!" thing is a big polite way of saying," feel free to say what you want as long as it doesn't involve anything negative about me". How many people really do say, openly, what they think or mean? Especially on their journals online? How many people purposely reword or remit certain things they wish they could say for fear of what others will say or think?

The constitution gives us the right to freedom of speech. The problem with freedom of speech is you have to be willing to accept the consequences for it. That means in order to have freedom of speech you have to responsible for what you say. This in turn means to a responsible person that doesn't want "trouble" to remit or not say certain things... or anything at all. Or if you don't care, then you say it an not look back and get flamed . But let's face it, you know you do deep down because the person who came up with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was the biggest liar ever to exist in the world... or a sociopath. Words cut deep into our souls. What is the last thing we really remember about people? What is it that we find ourselves distressed the most about if that someone never physically did anything to us? Is it that pink polka dot skirt they had on, or the words, "You are the ugliest, most annoying little twat, I've ever met"?

Why is there such a term as "verbal abuse"? You get my point?

Anyway, all that aside... I realized, apart from a number of people I can count on one hand - I have nothing to do in the life, thought processes, or even hearts anymore with 3/4 of those people... and on top of that, they aren't involved in my emotional, physical or mental well-being at all either. Plus add in that it all seems the same. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of well... many things. So, I probably won't be posting on LJ much. Or Blurty. In fact, I may not be online much at all. I don't know yet. I do know that I'm not going to open IMs with anyone. They want to talk to me, they have to make the effort - not me.

I already launched into a rant about relationships cooling off... and things. I won't go into it again. But I do know... I am a very lonely person. The problem is, after a while, you become so used to it that it creates a numb feeling. When it reaches that point, at least with me, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. But it doesn't help me to not realize what lonely and alone really is. There are different types of loneliness. I think I've experienced many of them already. People will hurt to see me say what I said, but the problem is, would you rather I not say it and let you go on in your own little world and only guess what I feel and think? Or would you rather know? I assume if you're still reading this, you want to know. Why, I don't know. Perhaps curiosity. Perhaps just interest. Perhaps you know me. Or maybe, just maybe you are someone who does care. Am I faceless stranger whose name you know, or someone you've met? Either way... now you know.

No, you can't help me. All anyone can do is give me memories. Evil moments to be recollected, cherished and then cried over later. The time for all that is past, and I've taken my own little path for a while. Is it anyone's fault that I feel this way? No. It's mine. I'm not delusional enough to believe I am not responsible for it. Nor delusional enough to expect someone to come swooping in to help it go away. Many people claim they wish they could help me. They wish they knew what they could do for me. Well, maybe instead of saying that you need to figure out why, you keep saying that. And if you have some means or another to do it, then I'm not going to be mad at you for trying. Yes, only I can help me in the end. No, the loneliness, the need to vanish, the restlessness and the alone feeling are not feelings I like - but they're things I can't do anything about either. Yet they are my responsibility - because they are MY emotions. So, if you can't do anything about them, or think of anything to say or anything... then why are you tearing yourself up over it? Don't you know... haven't you read what I said previously... actions and words stick with us FOREVER. So, it's the concept of you wanting to do something and actually saying you wish you could that matters. In the end, maybe that is all you can do. Yeah, I expect a lot out of people. But only for a little while... then I expect nothing. Because that is the human race to me. In the end, you live and die alone. It's up to us if we decide to try and give a brief break between the alone-ness and loneliness. The problem is... this is one thing where it takes at least two people to give that interruption to. Do I sound like I am contradicting myself? Maybe I am. I don't expect anyone to really understand what I am trying to say here. As it is: I am alone, lonely, restless, anxious... even unhappy to an extent.

Above all, I'm tired. But there isn't any need to worry about me. I'll do something.

What will I do? I'll write. It's all I really have in the end. It's the only thing I had before. It's the only way I really say what I think and feel without worrying too much about the consequences.

Some individuals may wonder, why am I saying these things? Is it a message for someone? No. All I'm doing is telling the truth without remitting any little details that I can currently think of.

I'm tired. I keep saying that. When you say it so many times, you realize you have to rest.

Pancakes and eggs

Now I know why you never fry them together in a skillet.

Talk about the weirdest looking meal I've ever seen.

Tired

I'm getting so tired of the same things. The same job, the same problems, the same issues. The same lines.

Change?

Heh... Like that is even possible anymore.

Hello and Good-bye

*trying to think positive thoughts and not throw up at the chatroom* Should make my own chatroom where unwired/actual fans can talk. They're creeping me out honestly. Anyway, moving along...

Whoa random Ac/DC. *amused* Sorry, we're (Becky and I) watching the TR webcam and also watching the chatroom silently. And the whole Fu-ki's "beautiful Roger" thing was lovely.

Well, I was for once in a really good mood. Not sure if that's the right description of it but close. At peace is I guess it. I did a lot of praying last night. A lot of begging for answers mostly. Then I woke up this morning with the usual, I don't want to go to work. Granted, because I was watching "Forever Knight" last night before bed my dreams were really screwed up, but they weren't nightmares. I've been basically plagued with very disturbing dreams and nightmares every night for over a month now. I believe they're all work related. I kind of figured that since on the days I took off for the storm I wasn't subjected to it. Then immediately they came back on Friday. Anyway... I didn't have those types of things really last night, weird dreams yes. But I'm used to it.

Anyway, after my usual argument with myself every morning to get up and go and not just quit, I got in my car and was actually in a fairly peaceful mood. The things pressing on me, were gone. I made up my mind to just let whatever happen to happen.

So, I get to work and I get meet up with a guy who has been asking me to transfer inside for a couple months, but I don't know where. He gave me some ideas and also is going to look up the jobs and let me know what to look for. I also got to finally say out loud what has been really bothering me about my boss - that he's abusive. That I can't take his mind games anymore." And the guy said, "I know. I can see what he's been doing to you. You've lasted longer with him than most people do. Most people quit or get fired because they can't take it." Along with something along the lines of he could see it because I was all happy when I came there, and now I look so unhappy it's painful. Something along those lines...

Anyway, he said he's gonna try and help me get inside ASAP. It won't take my points away. But that I think settles my job issue. Also, today, on the dangerous turn that has been holding me back, I took a stick shift out and I parked it in the hardest lot to park in. Hills and all. By myself. I must back up. As you know, a customer is teaching me to fully efficent in driving a manual, but Amir (my co-worker) was supposed to teach me like months ago. He never did. First thing when I come back from parking a giant truck, the boss is there giving Amir a hell of time for NOT teaching me. That amused me, then when I come in he's all cheery and greeting me (the boss). This is creepy cause he doesn't do that. So, when he does I get suspicious... then I found out why, which was the above. Oh well, I got to be a broody bitch with him since my mood plummetted immediately at seeing him, and just mumbled something and gave him a look of I want to strangle you with your internal organs. He kind of moved out of my way... Ahem... Anyway... back to it, Amir informed me of the convo he and the boss were having. So, he was all "tomorrow we'll start".

Well, Amir went to lunch and an old stick came in. Gloria hates to drive the old sticks since she is just learning. I'm being taught or learned how to with a very old one. Soooo, I took a deep breath, said a prayer to not die in a car crash and made it to point a to point b without one stall out and very well... all by myself. So... forget Amir. He doesn't want to help me anyway. I need to practice more to be faster... but with God's help I can do it.

Anyway that was the major highlight. The other was I can actually make the payment on the gas bill and was able to get some gas and Chinese today. Anyway, came home and relaxed with "Forever Knight" again, and now am watching my official "Final farewell" to BLOOD. It's been fun watching all this. I just wish I could go... but I guess, mixed feelings aside, at least I can say farewell in my own way. So, today has been a good day and night.

Thank you to The Divine for helping me today. Relieving my burden. Abling me to do what I thought was the impossible. Finally, thank you and farewell to BLOOD. I'll finish the site for them... though it will just be a tribute to something important to me. Why? There was a time, when they saved my life. For it I am happy too.

insert something witty here

Why do we bother with subject lines anyway? Moving along....

Our living situation had changed, along with a couple of other things. Thoughts keep running rampit in my mind. Situations and emotions. I was going to mention it here, but somehow I feel I need to put a security lock on this. So, to LJ I guess.

Lately

I've been making a lot of blogger accounts. Um....

Yes, I have reasons. The one was made in an effort to cut down on masses of unknown people going to my Livejournal only for SuiAli stuff. The other was so I had a place to put all my public reviews, reports and stuff. The others... are centered around my writing career. I also wanted excuses to use my newly downloaded layouts. *cough*

It's been two weeks now, and I still miss the SA crew. I think it's because for the first time, I didn't feel so much like an outsider around them anyway. Not going to say I didn't feel awkward at all... even left out a bit, but well, when surrounded in that situation, my side of the room so to speak is a bit lonely since I don't understand what's being said, and am never sure how these people around me are perceiving me. To an extent we all care about that... so saying I don't care isn't wholly the truth. But I also refuse to not be myself, well to an extent. I do admit to trying to be overly happy or acting like nothing was wrong even when I was feeling sick, or like crying.

But still yeah, if you're with me totally in both understanding and emotions in these things, you'd find it a bit lonely. My side always is.