Time for a break?

I think so.

Was in the shower today thinking. For some reason that is where most of my thinking about really anything that needs a lot of concentration occurs. I realized I'm rather fed up with the online scene. I want to continue updating my blogs/journals, but not with the penalty almost of caring what I say.

The classic: "It's your journal! Do what you want with it!" thing is a big polite way of saying," feel free to say what you want as long as it doesn't involve anything negative about me". How many people really do say, openly, what they think or mean? Especially on their journals online? How many people purposely reword or remit certain things they wish they could say for fear of what others will say or think?

The constitution gives us the right to freedom of speech. The problem with freedom of speech is you have to be willing to accept the consequences for it. That means in order to have freedom of speech you have to responsible for what you say. This in turn means to a responsible person that doesn't want "trouble" to remit or not say certain things... or anything at all. Or if you don't care, then you say it an not look back and get flamed . But let's face it, you know you do deep down because the person who came up with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was the biggest liar ever to exist in the world... or a sociopath. Words cut deep into our souls. What is the last thing we really remember about people? What is it that we find ourselves distressed the most about if that someone never physically did anything to us? Is it that pink polka dot skirt they had on, or the words, "You are the ugliest, most annoying little twat, I've ever met"?

Why is there such a term as "verbal abuse"? You get my point?

Anyway, all that aside... I realized, apart from a number of people I can count on one hand - I have nothing to do in the life, thought processes, or even hearts anymore with 3/4 of those people... and on top of that, they aren't involved in my emotional, physical or mental well-being at all either. Plus add in that it all seems the same. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of well... many things. So, I probably won't be posting on LJ much. Or Blurty. In fact, I may not be online much at all. I don't know yet. I do know that I'm not going to open IMs with anyone. They want to talk to me, they have to make the effort - not me.

I already launched into a rant about relationships cooling off... and things. I won't go into it again. But I do know... I am a very lonely person. The problem is, after a while, you become so used to it that it creates a numb feeling. When it reaches that point, at least with me, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. But it doesn't help me to not realize what lonely and alone really is. There are different types of loneliness. I think I've experienced many of them already. People will hurt to see me say what I said, but the problem is, would you rather I not say it and let you go on in your own little world and only guess what I feel and think? Or would you rather know? I assume if you're still reading this, you want to know. Why, I don't know. Perhaps curiosity. Perhaps just interest. Perhaps you know me. Or maybe, just maybe you are someone who does care. Am I faceless stranger whose name you know, or someone you've met? Either way... now you know.

No, you can't help me. All anyone can do is give me memories. Evil moments to be recollected, cherished and then cried over later. The time for all that is past, and I've taken my own little path for a while. Is it anyone's fault that I feel this way? No. It's mine. I'm not delusional enough to believe I am not responsible for it. Nor delusional enough to expect someone to come swooping in to help it go away. Many people claim they wish they could help me. They wish they knew what they could do for me. Well, maybe instead of saying that you need to figure out why, you keep saying that. And if you have some means or another to do it, then I'm not going to be mad at you for trying. Yes, only I can help me in the end. No, the loneliness, the need to vanish, the restlessness and the alone feeling are not feelings I like - but they're things I can't do anything about either. Yet they are my responsibility - because they are MY emotions. So, if you can't do anything about them, or think of anything to say or anything... then why are you tearing yourself up over it? Don't you know... haven't you read what I said previously... actions and words stick with us FOREVER. So, it's the concept of you wanting to do something and actually saying you wish you could that matters. In the end, maybe that is all you can do. Yeah, I expect a lot out of people. But only for a little while... then I expect nothing. Because that is the human race to me. In the end, you live and die alone. It's up to us if we decide to try and give a brief break between the alone-ness and loneliness. The problem is... this is one thing where it takes at least two people to give that interruption to. Do I sound like I am contradicting myself? Maybe I am. I don't expect anyone to really understand what I am trying to say here. As it is: I am alone, lonely, restless, anxious... even unhappy to an extent.

Above all, I'm tired. But there isn't any need to worry about me. I'll do something.

What will I do? I'll write. It's all I really have in the end. It's the only thing I had before. It's the only way I really say what I think and feel without worrying too much about the consequences.

Some individuals may wonder, why am I saying these things? Is it a message for someone? No. All I'm doing is telling the truth without remitting any little details that I can currently think of.

I'm tired. I keep saying that. When you say it so many times, you realize you have to rest.