Happiness is so fleeting...

Happiness is so fleeting... 12-09-06

I woke up having one of the worst panic attacks I've had in two years and ended up calling off. Should have expected it yesterday when I went home from work on the verge of crying. I refused to let myself give into the urge and just basically today I spent an hour just getting up. It took me 20 minutes to get dressed. (This is a lot of time for me. It's usually 5 minutes and I'm done because I lay my clothes out the day before, and usually shower the night before thanks to this schedule). I even got as far as warming up the car and I just couldn't do it. Was practically crying and shaking by the time I decided to go out and turn the car off and stay home - no matter on the points.

So, I sat up and got myself calmed down enough to go out and pay my ticket and then hurry home. Couple hours later I was calm enough to go out and pay a few bills and get a portable DVD player (for 89.95) at Macy's. After that it was like every last bit of strength and sanity I had retrieved in the those couple of hours went out the window and I had to force myself not to run out of the building. It didn't help that I have a knack for getting lost in any Macy's store that exists. Therefore, the panic attack decided to come back almost completely.

Basically, came home and the parents informed that I look terrible. No kidding. I was feeling sick by the time I got home, and still do. So, that is me today. Also found out that a contest I had entered one of my stories to didn't even give it a second thought. That tacked a nice blow to my pride and set depression in motion.

I know I take my writing far more seriously than I should. But I it's not really because I want to be some famous author that you get autographs from. I have a probably... unearthly and unreachable goal that is waaaaaaay in the future. However, unless you're a JW I doubt explaning it will be a good idea. But don't get me wrong... I want to also make money on my writing. Even if it's $80 a month. Plus I like to share what I write with people... hence the step is becoming published. Why haven't I done it? I'm still writing the story I want to publish. No one can see it until I'm done. Self publishing isn't a good option for me unless I charged people for looking at my stories on my websites and restricted access. I don't have a random $600 to put forth into something like this. So, that means being published under a label. It doesn't have to be a big label. Just one that can get a paperback in stores. And why am I jabbering about this here?

But on a happier note, I did manage to make it to the book store just before I went bananas and found a new Young Adult book that is a romance between a vampire and a human... so, gonna try and get it read soon. Also, found a recipe book on different coffee mixes. It also has some interesting coffee lore in it. Added bonus. BTW, black coffee drinkers... if you order "black coffee" in Japan you're gonna get coffee with sugar but no creme. :P

I also tried out my new DVD player. It works... Tingly. Then I got curious and put in a VCD I have of the Hana Yori Dango drama and found out that it plays them. *.* ::butt wiggle:: So, this means no more having to put things on VHS that are on VCD on the DVD player upstairs. I can watch it all downstairs where I can keep it nice and warm and filled with soft, fluffy things.

Anyway, I decided to link up this blogger on MySpace as an alternate journal. I didn't feel like posting this entry by itself on my LJ because it's just... too well known and I'm just feeling very enclosive into myself. I'm going to repost this on blurty when I finish the practice I have started that I figure is going to become a habit. Namely, keeping a journal for a few days then posting it when I feel somewhat, better about being public with myself.

Yeah, I'm still hung up on my... thing. It's extended unto commenting now. Basically, based on something that the person who kind of took this all to a final straw, I feel nervous about commenting on people's journals now as well. So, there's now times when I want to comment but don't. Even I can't pinpoint it, but it's mostly like a precaution thing. If I stay silent, I can offend no one, say something that is incorrect, or otherwise cause any amount of distress or stress on anyone.

Here I sit...

Since when do I have to do subject lines on this blog? How annoying.

I've been sick lately. Well, kind of. Been having some problems for a couple weeks now with back pain. Mom is convinced I should go to the doctor to start getting it documented for disablity purposes in a few years time. Um, no. I sit all day. I have no excuse not to work except for panic attacks and a mental thing with leaving the house.

Recently, I had a problem with a person that made me very... weird about posting on online journals. I should get back in the habit though considering things. I figured I'd post here today since it's been neglected for months on end.

Nothing really to talk about though. Christmas season is upon us. I do wish people would stop thinking in the lines of material stuff. Though I don't celebrate Christmas I can't help but be somewhat annoyed by everyone's attitude about it anymore. But not my problem. I don't celebrate it, so it just gives me a paycheck to pay bills and save up for cons and possible trips to Boston. :p

I should designate this blog for something. But I haven't decided yet what that should be. I don't know how often people come across this to read it. Let alone who. But oh well. And I have nothing really to talk about on here, because the whole online journal thing is not working for my mental state of late.

oh gah... subject lines

I've been having a hormonal issue all day today. But won't go into that.

I also know I said everything was fine with my guy and all, but I'm still worried. Little things are bugging me. Not about him specifically... but some little points. But I guess it's best to try and assume that everything is fine like normal people in relationships do. I think that is my problem with relationships. I want to know, not just believe everything is ok.

At times I wonder why I even keep public journals or blogs. No one really seems to care what I have to say in them. I mean, while I don't care about comments in themselves, it is nice to hear them. But oh well. It's getting to a point where my attitude is one where I feel like I'm expected to keep them and post. Kind of like being online. I'm expected to do it. Same with my writing... I want to do it, but why bother putting it out there for people to see if they aren't going to willingly give their opinions? And only give it if I ask? It's discouraging and makes me feel like I'm posting it because I'm expected to. Not because people are really interested.

I also need a break from things. Have considered asking Becky if I could stay with her for a few days, but don't want to be in the way, and the parents are uber annoying about stuff at times. Wonder what disaster they'd have that time? I know... I'm so negative. But yeah considered it... yet not sure right now. My work schedule will possibly be changing soon... so I may be working Saturdays. Therefore, I may not get to do anything any more. Not that I did much to begin with. But oh well, suppose it doesn't matter to anyone anyway.

Probably have stepped on a few toes if someone actually reads this, even though it wasn't directed at anyone. Which brings me to another point... Why do people always assume when I say that, that it is? Why can't they take that statement at face value? Just as it was given. Or when I say "people have been asking me about"... even if it is in direct opposition to another's POV, that doesn't mean I'm talking about them... It means people have been asking me about something and that is MY viewpoint. It doesn't mean you have to share it.

I would apologize for it if I have made someone mad or uncomfortable or anything... but why bother? Saying I'm sorry probably won't fix it either. I can't fix anything ok? Just good at breaking things apart. I jinx trips. I screw up people's lives just by having involvement, and have no other purpose in life it seems to be a screw up or a jinx. I'd be lying if I said that my noticing this doesn't bother me, so I won't lie. It does... but oh well.

Yeah, I'm cynical and in one of those moods where I feel insignificant to the world. And somehow that doesn't matter too much to me at the moment either.

Disappointment

I've become rather disappointed in a lot of people I know lately. Also, just downright confounded. People have been pretty much trying to drag me into choosing sides in some stuff. Honestly, I don't mind you talking to me about it. I want you to. But please understand I do NOT ask my friends to choose between me and some person or another I may not get along with when I am in the same situation. So, please don't ask me to do it for you. OK? Unless it's something totally out there like threats against your well being, or something like that. But even then you really shouldn't ask me to do that. I will be mad at them, yes, if this happens to you, but you must let me make my own decision about people and a situation. Understand a person who is not "in the web" of a problem is more likely to see the tangles and snags in it to help. OK?

Understand, I do want to hear about your problems if you need to talk about them, no matter who you are - even if I really do not like you. I mean, if you're hanging off a cliff I am NOT going to step on your fingers to let you fall. I'll extend a hand to help you if I can. But most likely if you're talking to me then you're a friend of mine. I care about you ok? Just please keep in mind that if this is about a problem between a person I am also friends with, I will listen intently, I will give advice if I think I can. But please do not expect me to stop caring about the other person because you're having problems. Remember there are two sides to a situation. And most likely the other person is also going through their own emotions about the same situation.

I've seen it a couple of times. And there may be times when I will favor one person's view on something over the other simply because to me it seems the most logical and mature thing. Before you say anything, please remember I DO understand what you mean. I have been in the same situation. Am still in the same situation. And will continue being in the same situation for as long as I can possibly extend my mind to go. But I am all for free thinking and decision making when it comes to people. Simply put - just because I or you have a bad experience with someone does not mean it will be repeated with someone else or be viewed in such a distasteful light by another as you or I will consider it. If a person chooses sides then that is their decision. If they decide due to the cicumstances and can see both sides of the situation to cut off ties with a friend that is their decision. Not an act of betrayal as some would consider it. They are simply doing what they have morally decided is in their best interests. I have also been in this situation and trust me, it is not something you just wake up saying, "Oh! I don't like this person anymore, so I don't think I'll talk to them anymore." You go through emotional turmoil, hard thinking and finally a complete decision based upon the mind... NOT the heart. At least that is the way it should be. I am not saying emotions do not factor into this, in fact they often will. But if all you get from someone is negativity and taking... what can you expect? But as such, when you consciously make the decision to do this, you must bear in mind this DOES NOT mean you should expect other people to think or do the same as you do.

This is why when I have problems with someone, unless it is under other circumstances, I try to avoid talking bad about them. And if I must, it is only about the problem at hand. Yes, occasionally I will stray off of this course, but that does not mean I do not recognize this person's strengths. Nor do I want someone to judge another person due to what has happened to me. This in mind... please avoid the attitude of expecting me to see things your way and no other if you are in the situation. Talk to me about the problem... for God sake vent your frustration please (I won't mind), but even if I do not say anything, or I even agree with you, that does not mean I will stop liking the other person due to it. The only time I have ever done this is when a friend of mine was physically threatened, or physically assualted by this individual or was abused in a way that I really can not excuse. And especially if it was repeatedly. Also, how am I supposed to understand how you feel about something if all you do is bitch about that person without telling me what in the hell happened in the first place? It's illogical for someone to dislike someone just because you said so and all you do is say bad things about them. Give me a reason for heaven's sake! Don't just tell me, "things happened" then start ragging on them about what a horrible person they are without giving me proof that it's true. All you're accomplishing there is a curiousity in me to find out what happened and to learn more about the other person from their own perspective.


I've also come to be greatly disappointed in the way some people are reacting to some things. Also, in an uncaring attitude that people who do supposedly care are bringing into light. All I have to say is, if you don't care about a person don't pretend you do. Sometimes when people consistently outright or subtly "cry for attention" it isn't for attention itself... it's just to know there's still a reason to get up in the morning. There's also the fact that some people say they don't want to be around someone or have anything to do with them yet they keep encouraging them to hang around, under the excuse of using them. There's no excuse for using people and playing with a person's feelings.


No this is not all completely about me. So, please don't take it that way.

(x-posted to serveral journals due to it being a message I REALLY want relayed)

So we have a season finale to Tainted Reality coming up

Among the things on Roger's agenda is sending a message to the disbanded music groups. Was tempted but I think not. Pierrot is one of the few Japanese bands I do/did enjoy, but I just don't like having any attention drawn to myself. So, the knowledge that it'll be read over the air is what puts me off on it. Oh well.

Anyway, not much to say here. Been thinking of doing an LJ cut for my friends list. Basing it on the people who replied to my inquiry about the filters. The only reason why I say that is because it seems those are the only people who are interested in my entries. So, why clog up other people's journals with stuff they skim over. I don't add people just because it makes my f-list look good. But because I'm interested in what they have to say. I probably won't do it. I just honestly want to let things go as they will. A lot of the people probably didn't see it, or assume they're in filters. Just can't help feeling like I take up space without needing to.

Yeah not in the best of moods. Not feeling unconfident or anything. Just... anti-social. Have some confusing things to figure out too on my own. So, I guess I'll get to doing that and leave everyone to their peace of mind. Should update the profile on this soon too.

pics and writing projects

Well for those that don't read my LJ I have new pics taken by my kitty who is and shall remain the bestest of photographers and kitties in the world. You can see them here if you're bored enough to look..


I did want to point out that when I do these photoshoots it's for showing off the costume and the effect of it and stuff... I try to get a few pics of just me in simply cause I know my friends like to look at them. But I just like modelling costumes. *shrug*


Anyway, I have been writing on Angelus Errare. Mainly jumping ahead a few chapters to explore a character who I know is not going to get as much recongition as I think she deserves in the story. I intend to write out her story in a totally different thing but it's a maater of establishing her world. AE is kind of the introduction to my vampire mythology and world I guess. She's the type of character that gets more or less ignored unless the author tries to make an honest effort to imprint her on the reader's mind- to let them know this person isn't just "there"; she has her own story if you take the time to learn it. I was always an advocate that noticed and became more interested in the side characters in stories than the main ones. I hope everyone likes the new chapters, and she becomes at least admired to a point (well for a fictionary character) by those who like my work.


On a totally different note, I've decided to write a kind of BLOOD fanfic. It's more or less my perception on the VFB storyline. I'm considering this a fanfic because ultimately I am taking the characters and story Fu-ki created and writing out the story the way I see it in an all out story as opposed to Fu-ki's lyrics (which left gargantuous plot holes in it; but that's what happens with lyrics as opposed to straight story writing I guess...). Hopefully I can do it justice and it would be something that is a compliment to it... rather than my taking it and running so to speak.



The problem with doing this is the fact that I have to figure out some little things that probably only Fu-ki himself knows. You know his world, his rules right? His version of the vampire seems to be a cross between Anne Rice, Dracula and the old religion vampire. Amusingly, my biggest issues lie in 4 things which I have a feeling I will just have to take artistic license with.

Why would Kaede's character give Fu-ki a weapon to kill Kiwamu? (There has to be more motivation than she supports his... quest or purpose.) What is her total role? (I mean is she just "there" and I have to expand on her character by taking a sinfully large bound of artistic license with it, or what?) What kind of sex drive do his vampires possess? (They obviously have one, but the issue is do they get off on actual sex, or feeding or both...?) And last of all, did he give up his quest for revenge or did he get it and realize it led to no where? (The VFB storyline is just not clear on that...)

I guess this is just the difference between a song writers and novel writers styles. While a song writer can establish a world and storyline, the focus is on the mood... not the more in depth details. Even if they are present in the author's mind because he has to express them through lyrics... but lyrics tell of emotions in a story... A novelist has to draw out the actual characters faults, strengths, motivations, and what makes them "work" etc. I'm sure Fu-ki has these things in his head for his characters but the problem is... because they have to be expressed via verse and song, he can't explore them deeper. Cause he'd have to write a novel to do it.

Well, that got preachy and I didn't mean to... was thinking out loud more or less. Anyway, I'll start it soon I think. Hopefully I will at least do it justice though I know I'll never be able to get it exactly the way HE meant it to be. But I suppose fanfics are all about exploring the perceptives of the author or something...


Note: This was supposed to go on MySpace... but the blog on there seems to be having major split personality issues...

Um... yay?

What Yaoi Stereotype Are You?

Devoted Dom

Your kind is fairly common. Most likely you are the older or more experienced one in your relationship(s). Or, maybe you are your uke's superior in some way (as in at work or school). This makes your relationship bittersweet. While you may love your uke very much (and you and he have a rather steamy sex life), you find it hard to express your affections due to one obstacle or another. Maybe you aren't allowed to be together (no dating in the work place, for example), maybe you've been burned in the past and are hesitant to admit to anyone (including yourself) that you feel that way, or maybe your uke insists that there's no emotion in the relationship (in other words: he views you as fuck buddies). Even though it only seems like your relationships are meant to end in disaster, you would still risk more than you should for the one you love.

Likeliness of being uke: 5%
Likeliness of being seme: 95%
Some fellow Devoted Doms: Iason (Ai no Kusabi), Yuki (Gravitation), Honma (Boku no Sexual Harassment), Seishirou (Tokyo Babylon)
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Blue Gardenia

Blue gardenia
Now I'm alone with you
And I am also blue
She has tossed us aside
And like you, gardenia
Once I was near her heart
After the teardrops start
Where are teardrops to hide?

I lived for an hour
What more can I tell?
Love bloomed like a flower
Then the petals fell
Blue gardenia
Thrown to a passing breeze
But rest in my book
Of memories

I lived for an hour
What more can I tell
Love bloomed like a flower
Then the petals fell
Blue gardenia
Thrown to a passing breeze
But rest in my book
Of memories

~Nat King Cole

best policy for a website reg I've ever seen :P

You agree that you will not use Lycos Network Products and Services to:
long winded legal stuff of doom then...

Advertise, offer for sale, or sell any of the following items:

Any firearms, explosives, or weapons. Any food that is not packaged or does not comply with all laws governing the sale of food to consumers by commercial merchants. Any alcoholic beverages. Any tobacco products for human consumption, including, without limitation, cigarettes and cigars. Any items that are indecent or obscene, that are hateful or racially, sexually, ethnically or otherwise objectionable, that contain child pornography, that are otherwise pornographic in nature, or are harmful to minors. Any controlled substances or pharmaceuticals. Any items that are counterfeit or stolen. Any dangerous items. Any goods or services that do not, in fact, exist. Any registered or unregistered securities. Any items that violate or infringe the rights of other parties. Any items that you do not have the legal right to sell. Any items where paying Lycos any of the required transactional or listing fees would cause Lycos to violate any law.

The one I have underlined is my favorite of all of Angelfire's policies. :P And is the most amusing thing I have seen in a while for policies. Very good policy but still amuses me that they put that in there.

MySpace and Other

Is it just me or has Myspace finally reached that popular point where they'll do anything to trash it? While I share everyone's love/hate relationship with it, it seems everyone is doing nothing but finding excuses to trash it lately. I wish I could find something nice to say about it other than it connects you with people and things that you normally wouldn't be able to, but honestly, I'm on the verge of deleting mine. Not because of the negativity but because simply it's highly UN-customizible (unless you have lots of time on your hands, know the right java codes and have have tons more patience with it than I do AND you don't get server errors while working on it), and just... everyone's doing it. I try to avoid deleting anything where I have blog entries though, and it has it's plus sides. So it's a coin toss at the moment. Right now it can stay on my long list of haunts when I'm especially bored, but you know how that goes. There's also the fact that it's been literally banned from work due to some crap that went down here too. So, all in all it's starting to be more of a hinderence than a blessing.

Been very tired lately. Not sure why. Been even going to bed early a couple of days. But the more I sleep the more tired I seem to feel when I wake up. I know I need a break really bad from everything in general. The latest excursions to kitty's (though going out to look for work while there) have been helping to an extent. But overall, just need a big long 2 weeks off so I can get good and bored and crazy and start doing housework on my vacation cause I can't take it anymore. :P

I've basically decided to let this journal take over the purpose of my Myspace one. Again due to the annoyance it tends to provide me. I'll probably still use Myspace's blog for other stuff. Not sure what yet. But I'll see.

So we have a new blog

Other than being obsessive compulsive, I need a journal system that:

1. I can post at publicly but not feel like it's tooooo public
2. I can play with at work since they're starting to become evil about stuff

So, we have blogger. Been using it for other purposes for other journals, but yeah. Blah. Anyway, I don't feel like being on LJ right now. Too many things going on around it right now, and things are just making me get a really bad vibe from it. Anyway, I am making a new website (Darkness reigns on it). Need to work on it more. Welcome suggestions for more content to any of it as well.

We'll see if I actually start using this more.